Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Mattress World saved our marriage . . .

Does slugging your spouse in your sleep constitute domestic violence? A co-worker told me today that an Oregon man was recently carted off to jail after beating up his wife while he was deep in slumberland.

This grim news confirmed the wisdom of my purchase yesterday--two twin beds from Mattress World. This long-debated decision came after a rather violent episode in our bedroom earlier this week. Greg kicked me repeatedly in the shins until I finally hauled off and slugged him in the chest.

And then we both woke up!

While I normally don't fight back, Greg has actually been kicking me awake for years. His nocturnal thrashing is the result of nerve damage he sustained during a cervical laminectomy. Almost every night, just as I'm slipping into dreamland, his leg muscles wake up and are ready to rumba. Since I am the world's lightest sleeper, I usually wake up and crash the party.

"Can you please go sleep in the guest room?" I ask in desperation, gently shaking Greg awake. Without a word, he gets up, grabs his pillow and shuffles off to the room across the hall. Most nights I don't think he even wakes up.

I am definitely awake, however, and often unable to fall back asleep. My adrenaline is pumping from being rudely awakened, and frustration (from being kicked) and guilt (from kicking my husband out of bed) ramp up my brain. I even get mad at God some nights over this cruel pairing of a raving insomniac with a nocturnal break dancer.

I've known for some time that twin beds would be the simplest solution to our problem. But I kept putting it off, hoping either Greg would be healed or I'd adapt and sleep through his twitching. Images of Lucy and Ricky Riccardo settling down chastely for the night in their separate beds taunted me as I considered the ramifications of this decision.

But our recent kick-boxing match sealed the deal and our twin Sealy mattresses and box springs will be delivered on Saturday.

So, maybe the mattresses won't actually save our marriage :). But I'm pretty sure they will ensure our safety--and improve the quality of our sleep.